What I did over summer vacation

Today I was feeling a little low
so I went on a walk and got high.
I sat in this gazebo thing and watched the sun set
behind the trees.
It was nice to sit there listening to music,
shutting my eyes,
and sinking into a warm, peaceful, personal oblivion.

Every day her voice gets further away.
I think that I can sometimes hear it just as I drift off
to sleep.
But then I realize that its just the sleeping pills talking
and they don't have much to say
at all.

Just:

"Forget it all tonight, you've been through enough for one day."

I silently thank them for their kindness and
sink into a warm, peaceful, medicated oblivion.

Life these days:
A series of lows followed by actions
which lead to a series of highs.
Some good, most not good, but all
mine.

When she quit me

I wept.

I cried over what I imagined I lost.

I loved her more than I could say or put into words.

Epic.

Lovestruck.

Lied to.

A waste of life and everything else.

I hope she has a terrible night.

Legs up.

No one should piss you off more than they get you off.

And if they do
send them packing.

The first time.

And stick with it.

It always seems so rosy
after the first glass
and the next makes it even
rosier.

But then you wake up in the morning and
they still hate you just as much as
they did before.

Words don't mean anything
and history repeats itself.
Whores don't change to princesses
and you can't spit-shine a turd.

If you don't sleep together
for weeks at a time its
over.
If you see it this way and
they see it that then
its over.

Find someone else
who makes you smile every now and again.

If anyone pisses you off more than
they get you off?

Send them packing.
Or take your jeans and your records
and get
out.

sighs.

And tonight I found my Jacket...

and thought about how her hands were the last to touch it

and her shoulders were the last

to bear its weight.

And how now my shoulders

are left

bearing everything,

and now at night my hands

touch nothing

but Jacket.

Every time you think you're getting better...

You find yourself wishing it wasn't so bad.

I suppose it wouldn't be so bad if the first thought
of every single endless day
wasn't about how much you wished that they would
die.

There are so many empty things in life.
Empty eyes, empty conversations, empty kisses,
empty glass.

I live in a virtual barren land.
Where are my subways? Where are my starry-eyed
wanderers?
Where is anything that I loved for the past
year of absolute hell?

I used to be able to walk out the door
and the streets would carry me forward.
Toward something, the promise of anything,
streets alive with people and promise.

Now all I see are young families
and mortgages and endless petroleum
consumptioooooonnn oh kill me now.

My life has become so damn boring I wish
that something would explode.
Friends are married and what is there to do
anyway.
I miss the strangers:
The endless sea of strangers.
Even when you were alone you were never
alone.

Now its the same silence all the time
and the false self-assurances
and I still wish the bitch had just
spared me the ache.

Four months later and I still
don't understand.
Why are we so hell-bent on destroying each other?

I spent hours inside of her
but I never managed to reach her heart.

She had me at hello.
Another one to add to the list.

And now I sit in the half-light
half-alive
writing this crap to no one.

In a constant New York state of mind.