Vignette II

Finding space to do what is right.
Breaking free of this broken down man
this cocoon of failure
is painful.
I accept responsibility freely
and the pressure is palpable
but through strength one
prevails.
Accepting that failure
is mine.
Accepting that weakness
is theirs.

Trying to grow beyond bitterness
is still a trying
road.
I received a message this morning
from my past
which was humbling
and beautiful
and I am eternally
grateful.

Sometimes I wonder
if I am leaving any mark at all.
Will they even remember me
when I am
gone?

Sometimes I picture my funeral
and it is a very small gathering
indeed.

Things To Think About.

Sipping my coffee I contemplate
the ways in which
we treat each other.
Cruelty is often hopelessly intermingled with
good intentions
misunderstood emotions
and passionate
expressions.

Calm.

It's hard to find poetry
in the best of times.

The majority of the day is given
to getting it done and
producing results.

I have all but forgotten before
and I have since
moved on.

I took a long walk through nature today
and I sat on a rock and noticed the sun glint off of the ripples of
a lake. (How Frostian.)
It was good to be outside and warm.
It was good to be sober.

I don't know where I'll go from here
or what tomorrow will look like.

But for right now things are alright.
Nothing to report
just another day in the life.

Goals are being formed
and futures becoming evident.

I hope that when tomorrow comes
I am proud of who I am
and the sins of the past
will all be left
behind.

In your face.

I know it will be gone tomorrow but
I want to fall in love tonight.
All of the wine-light making you
a dime-sight and
we stop thinking and just feel it.

Boo-yah.

Had me a tiny dancer once
who moved in time while the band played and
the people screamed their approval
while I contentedly smoked and smiled.

Heard their tunes again today and
remembered how I miss the dreamers.

Everyone I meet these days is
analytical
predictable
and
dull.

I shouldn't hate
I should motivate
but I like em a little left
of center.



Now that I'm back in the field
I seek the dreamer
dangling from the tree and laughing
and rambling on like me today
with likewise childish rhyme scheme
having.

Today is brought to you by the letter
caffeine.

Memories are a dish best served suppressed.

I woke today and felt good.
I felt really, really good.
I twisted open the blinds and let the day's light pour
in.
I decided that today I would lay my hands to the task of
general cleanliness so
I put on an appropriate soundtrack
and began to dutifully put my life
in all of its "proper" places.

Suddenly-
painfully and without mercy
my mind wandered backward.


Pushing the futon back against the wall
I shooed Rufus, straightened the blanket and folded her robe.
She said, "I'll start in the kitchen,
do you want to get the bathroom?"
(J stands silent as if in the awesome presence of
a heavenly being.
Alice stands in front of the window waiting for him to answer.
Outside is a beautiful Brooklyn blue sky day.
The early afternoon light plays over Alice's delicate features
creating an exaggerated angelic effect.
Children can be heard on a nearby rooftop playground
happily enjoying their period of freedom from stale
surroundings.
The scene is surreal, almost as if the two are frozen in
a sublime and cinematic moment.)
I smiled at her,
"Of course."
She smiled back.
She needn't even ask, I'd kill for her so
a little grime was no egregious obstacle.
I went into the bathroom and
shoved my sponge bearing hands into every crevice which
the place possessed.
I wanted it clean,
I wanted it cleaner than clean.
Beyond clean, I sought immaculate.
Ne'er would her porcelain flesh touch
a single impurity. Not on my watch.
I didn't care if it meant that
each finger would be worn to a twitching mound,
I would see to it that she was surrounded by
perfection.


Remembering this I paused as I held a pair of socks
black and soft in my hands.
Nothing moved, Nothing.
The cat was still, the street was silent,
and I ceased to breathe.

Finishing my task I
picked up my keys and
went to the store to buy vegetables.

Eh, What Can You Do?

When I first broke up with that mess
someone told me,
"You won't see it for about a year but
this is one of the best things
that could possibly happen to you."
Well they were right, I guess.
It is a weight off the shoulders and
when no one is making you miserable on a daily basis
it really is much easier to get the grocery shopping done.

Told B that last night to try to cheer him up.
I mean really, no one means that much in the long run.
A wise woman told me once, when I lamented to her my plight
via text,
That no one is actually more special than anyone else.
(Or something along those lines.)

Nailed it kiddo.

She just had her first child.
Maybe the only one, I don't know.
Point is she looked happy in the picture.

It's a marathon.
It's long and it's tedious
but it is there and you deal with it.
I don't know what is coming
but I should probably stop trying to force it
and get outside for a little bit.
I hear there is a world out there.

Left and Leaving.

I've been saying a lot of goodbyes lately.
My [former] roommate,
now my roommate's former lover,
packed her things and left this
morning.
I helped her stuff her swaddled cat
gently into its carrier and
she hugged me and said
goodbye.

I was completely alone in the house
for the first time since I moved in.
It's very odd when she was the one
who got me the room in
the first place.

Ellis came by work tonight.
I haven't been so elated in months.
I stood back, got low, and opened my arms
in exaggerated preparation for our embrace.
She charged at me and threw her arms around
my neck.
It was genuine.
Being that close to someone sends lightning through
your bones.
The look in our eyes said it all:
we genuinely miss each other.
Somewhere, some place, we simply missed
the mark.
I'll settle happily for friends.
But the time came for me to leave and
I hugged her again and told her I missed her.
She said she missed me too.
We made "those" plans to get together soon.
I probably won't see her again for who knows how
long.

So we said goodbye.

I thought about how many times I have said goodbye and
how many times I will again.
To my parents,
lovers,
and friends.

We all end up alone eventually and
no one belongs to anyone else.
All we are guaranteed is death
and all of life is
borrowed
time.