Sometimes I wonder

If in the end any of what I've done will make sense.
Will I have ever truly needed to go through any of these things?
Were the deaths and disgrace all necessary to burn me into
some effigy which changed the world?
Did I need to be hardened by abandonment and poor decision making
to become some future version of myself?

Maybe.
Maybe I had to drink too much
and spend too much money.
Get arrested
or cry in front of too many women.
Have too many hangovers and days spent in bed
and bad health.
Make enough people despise me
and say unbelievably hurtful things.
I wonder if I'll hate Alice forever
or forgive her and cry at her funeral.

I don't know.
Another thing to add to the list of what I do not understand.
I just hope that I will be forgiven.
That I will not leave a stench in the Earth's nostrils
which makes the land groan and ache.

None of the past twenty-eight years has killed me
and only time will tell how much it has made me stronger.
If at all.

One day we'll see if it was all worth it or completely
unnecessary.
Until then I'll wonder
as I attempt to sleep off another
possible mistake.