Just one indulgence.

I lie with the curtains drawn in the afternoon
silent and dull,
devoid of music and
my soul as stiff as wood.

I tell myself it would be alright to endure it,
to let a little slip,
I can handle it
for a moment.

I start to think of Josh,
I see myself on the subway platform at five thirty in the morning,
I hear the soft breathing of a faceless newborn child;
the days without warmth,
nights without heat.

I recall Rian's deceiving eyes,
Taylor's espresso skin,
and remember the ubiquitous whiskey dawn
when Natalie's breasts
would rhythmically rise and fall
as she rode in ecstasy
on top of
me.

I opened my eyes and
nothing moved.

Nothing
made a
sound.